From Surviving to Striding: How Running Taught Me To Nourish, Not Punish
From Surviving to Striding: How Running Taught Me To Nourish, Not Punish
Coach Gemma
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I didn’t always run for joy.
For years, I lived in a cycle of shame, control, and isolation. I struggled silently with bulimia, telling myself I didn’t deserve to eat, believing that food was something to fear, not fuel. My life became rigid. I needed to control what I ate, when I ate, how much. I needed to be close to a washroom, just in case. And when plans changed unexpectedly, it would send me into a spiral. I needed structure. I needed control. I needed secrecy.
I pushed people away. I couldn’t handle anyone getting too close, because closeness meant vulnerability. It meant being seen, and I wasn’t ready for that. Friends, family anyone who tried to love me, I kept at arm’s length. Not out of anger, but fear. I isolated myself so I could do everything in private, so nobody would know.
What made it more complicated is that from the outside, people thought I was confident. They told me I seemed outgoing, fearless, self-assured. But what they didn’t see was how much energy it took just to show up. I was saying all the right things while my brain was screaming the opposite. Every social interaction felt like a performance. Every outing took every ounce of willpower. I wasn’t confident. I was anxious. Exhausted. I was wearing a mask that barely held together.
And yet when I was at my skinniest, I received more compliments than I ever had in my life. People told me how “good” I looked. They praised my discipline. My size. My restraint. Every word of praise became fuel. Fuel to underfuel. To shrink more. To believe that the only version of me worth noticing was the smallest, weakest one. I wasn’t thriving. I was disappearing. And people clapped for it.
I didn’t want to be criticized. I didn’t want to be applauded. I just wanted to be free. I just wanted to be me.
Eventually, I hit my breaking point. Or maybe, my breakthrough.
I started eating again. I started running, not as punishment, but as a gift to my body. I began moving not to burn calories, but to celebrate what my body could do. I realized my body needed to move in order to reward me with strength, with energy, with pride, with confidence. I was gaining control and realizing who I was meant to be.
And now? I’m an ultra marathon runner. That still feels surreal to say out loud, still. Do I deserve this “title”? ABSOLUTELY. I earned it.
Someone who used to be afraid to go out in public… afraid to say yes to anything spontaneous… afraid to speak up or reach out… now I’m doing all of those things and more. Because something inside me clicked—and I realized that the best version of myself wasn’t someone I had to chase through pain and punishment. She was already inside me, waiting to be unlocked and all I had to do was realize I was worthy . Worthy of that running coach and someone who believed in me and would help me become a better human to myself and others around me wouldn't suffer to my short fuse.
Relationships were destroyed and some are irreparable. I have deep regret about that. But in order to move forward I had to come to that realization myself and I got there when I realized “I am enough”.
Running didn’t just change my body. It changed my mind. It changed my heart. It changed my life.
I’ve become more free. More confident. More aware of myself, of others, of the stories we carry. I’ve noticed how I show up differently around different people. I’ve become aware of the ways I used to critique others, often as a reflection of how hard I was on myself and that was a tough pill to swallow. I was “the problem” it was never them , And I’ve realized something I never used to believe: I haven’t even come close to reaching my full potential.
There are always new levels to unlock.
And having a coach reminded me that I am worthy of more. Not just as a mother. Not just as an employee. But as a full, complex, powerful individual. I’m not done discovering who I am, and that’s a journey I welcome now, not fear.
I wish more people could find running.
Not for the pace. Not for the distance. But for the freedom and confidence it brings.
And Lord knows, we could all use more of those in the world today.
If you're ready to take a first step toward your own healing, your own freedom, I’m here. Not to fix you, because you’re not broken, but to walk beside you as someone who’s lived it, and come out stronger.
Let’s run toward your power. Let’s run toward you.
Whether you’re just beginning or looking to rediscover yourself through movement, I’d be honoured to help guide the way and show you how much space you deserve to take up in this world .
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